“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
pelicons
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬