Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.