Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]