Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
You can’t rush stupid.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I support this random dude and all his protests
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”