Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
best review i’ve ever seen
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
when u get so high u forget u ordered food