Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
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I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.