I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean