Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
You Might Also Like
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….