Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops