Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.