somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.