Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
How times have changed.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!