(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
You Might Also Like
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Best misinterpreted text ever!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]