Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
new career option?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone