If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
i’m still crying at this
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?