HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”