Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?