*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
This is amazing.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories