it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
You Might Also Like
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.