My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
me after eating Cheetos
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”