Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.