I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
What even happened today?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My dress code is business-casualty.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.