I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
he’s sick of your bullshit today
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
2022 be like
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
A ghost story
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND