When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.