I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me