husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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where do you see yourself in five years?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”