I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
You Might Also Like
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Netflix and you sit over there.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems