The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth