Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.