Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Hot Panini is in big trouble
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.