This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?