Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
How do dragons blow out candles?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges