me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
is this store having a stroke wtf
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract