Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar