I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.