ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
You Might Also Like
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!