Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”