Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
You Might Also Like
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Every work call, he judges.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away