Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.