*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
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i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”