I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Facebook memories be like
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.