Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
That’s no pocket rocket.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My typo game is string.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
So inspired right now.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere