*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
You Might Also Like
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.