The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
hi why am I like this
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.