If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”