COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
You Might Also Like
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
found my next D&D character name
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Bike for sale
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?