I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel