Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
You Might Also Like
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The human personality is made of five key elements
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.