my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.