i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
nobody’s gonna understand
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”